poison alway does

For so many years the headaches from my neighbors’ poison…I will tell the truth again: I did nothing wrong, my life and my character were perfect. I was continuously tortured since 1984 when I was 13. In my first years in this city, Bucharest, I was not poisoned. Since the years 2000 – poisoned exactly the way I already told. I could not finish the story of my imprisoned and tortured life and probably they won’t let me do this. After my father’s death it was worse and my mother too was worse towards me. I was always gentle and kind and I did nothing wrong and I don’t have sins. Since 2006, after moving in my own apartment, I noticed that my neighbors above let flowing some kind of gas – by the noise they do in my bathroom, a noise that isn’t water flow for certain sometimes – for hours at night or day, they have different kinds of such noises. I did not believe that it was poison just because I met once in the psychiatric hospital a woman who was imprisoned there and forced to tell the truth that she was poisoned with gas by her neighbors. But I did not question her sanity back then , I never made mistakes of any kind my whole life, like I told you. In my first years I did not believe that I was poisoned. Anyway, my smell was accommodated and I could not make the difference. I was not aloud to cover the hole towards the common bathroom “chimney”, though I asked for this and the neighbor below me, who tortures me with politics on TV, took care with another neighbor – a house painter – that my hole was left open in spite of me paying money and asking for letting it covered. Nevertheless my neighbor below has that opening closed in her apartment. I did not believe though it was a very strange noise. I went to my mother’s place where the air is ok and only in the past 2 years I recovered my smell and I observed that the air in my apartment is horrible! Indeed horrible. I could not have stayed with my mother because of her, not only because she harasses me. I repeat the air is horrible to breathe and it is for certain the cause of many nausea feelings and headaches and circulatory troubles. And peripheral neuropathy, etc. Of course I cannot blame the neighbors above for sure. Anyway in the past years they took my things and photos and tortured me with noises continuously and put dirt in my rooms and greasiness on my doors inside and false official acts in my drawers. Anyway none of them respects me and today a beggar, who apparently owns more money than me, mocked me with coarse appellation and said that I promised him 2 lei, which fact is not true. In all these years since 2006 my neighbors did not get older and their kids are not looking as if they were 16-17, but the same as in the beginning. And outdoors the neighborhood is wild each time I go out – thousands of cars and people staring and mocking me and below my apartments since March until November they come here and yell vulgar words every year, etc.

As for my suicide – forget it…months ago I realized that i won’t do this, my life was perfect, I cannot do this. My respect for goodness and beauty was immense all my life. Though you all deserted me and left me alone and totally isolated for so many years, without the slightest guilt or insanity from my part (I still can tell and I still remember everything). No one wants me and everyone pushed me to commit suicide. I am not Narcissus to commit suicide eventually and I am not Oedipus to destroy my sight (that is illusory like any other human sense) and I am not Socrates to commit ritual suicide (because that was not trial or condemnation of philosophy as a matter of fact) . I might have been all of them because others or the circumstances prearranged all of these….I was all of them but none. I deeply think that life is something very good and beautiful and necessary and my respect stayed the same through the years and whenever I was pushed to the limit I asked myself the same question — do I hurt life or existence of things by killing myself? I will not commit suicide — first of all in order to protect whatever may be connected with the link between my body and my spirit or with the dissolution of this link — if that will happen sometime because of the necessity of the whole. If I were someone else (it does not matter whom) I would not have killed a woman like I am and like I always was. Paradoxically, my too deep maternal instinct — the cause of my brightest happiness and of my deepest pain — demands me to avoid by all means committing suicide. (It is true that I disliked being poisoned — and that was true, or tortured by any means, and I disliked the stealing of my humble belongings (old or new)….but this will pass…someday).

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About suicide

I just found that haiku author, Jane Reichhold has committed suicide and, reading her obituary, I couldn’t abstain of telling the truth, in the following lines:
Hearing about Jane Reichhold suicide, I can say that I am in complete consternation, and one reason is the fact that this revered author joined facebook not too long ago and she kindly asked for my friendship and I accepted then she kindly appreciated some of my haiku in the beginning of our virtual friendship. Even if other friends of mine did not do that.
It does not matter what her origin was and it does not matter what her name meant. I am a marginalized person, I am considered insane only because I was from a very poor family and environment and Jane Reichhold was a lady from the upper intellectual elite compared to me. But this time, because I read Hansha Teki’s obituary, I cannot abstain from telling the truth. I beg your pardon, but Hansha is not right and I think that Jane Reichhold and maybe many others too don’t deserve to be scapegoats after their deaths. I am alone and considered insane, so my true conclusions about life don’t hurt no one. I will focus upon the illogical accusations brought to light by Hansha Teki, whom I admire and respect otherwise.
Hansha Teki accuses Jane that she took her own life dealing with extreme physical and mental pain. But we, humble mortals are not allowed to condemn or punish the sinners, because God only knows and can do this. Maybe Jane Reichhold knew that. Maybe beyond the accusation of being too weak in front of pain, lies something else. And what I know for sure is that a suicide is a murder. Maybe she found that by dying she avoids something worse, not for herself, but for others. Maybe she knew for certain that thing, maybe her knowledge about the world was at the highest level possible.
Another thing that I know for certain from my own experience is that suicidal persons are subsequently scapegoats and sinners for the rest of the world. But I also know that everything is in God’s hands and, if someone finally commits suicide, it means that it was God’s will to shake off the tree of life. But nowadays Inquisition, with the need to preserve a corrupt and inhumane power and unfair prejudices and lies, they put the blame on the suicide, as if the victim of suicide was against God, as if that person is a kind of devil or tempted by the devil to renounce and resign life against God’s will. Maybe the truth is the opposite, because I am certain that a person like Jane Reichhold was, can’t be a weak person facing suffering and couldn’t possibly have been considered herself to be wiser that God or hateful against God’s will. I think that Jane was humble and respectful towards all living beings and towards the system man-earth-universe like many other suicides are. I also refer to the lives of the saints who are really considered saints after committing suicide in order to preserve their faith and their purity.
I think that a person like Jane Reichhold could not be egoistical and that facing death no intellectual with higher education can be an egoist. All of them think about higher reasons than the reason of their lives and they die only if God wants their death to be a suicide. I tried to die many years ago, but God saved me after a near-death experience (clinical death maybe or something else) because it was not yet my time to die back then. Suicide is a part of a harmonious system of life, alike the rain or the snow, etc.
I told again the truth because I am nothing else and it was not my duty to create lies or to strengthen the prejudices of foolish people. Maybe she sacrificed her life in the name of being alive with the joy to care and to respect people and good things.

Of course, life is not a commodity, I agree about that, and I don’t speak against you – but maybe this was her own conclusion too before dying, among other things. Now I tell about myself because I had to face these days the illness of my mother, who is my only relationship in this world. I am tired to answer you in a complex manner, but I repeat that it seems that you accuse Jane Reichhold, even in the words you wrote in this comment above, while in fact it is true that for the innocent ones her guilt is not visible or certain. One cannot tell for sure, and we cannot accuse all suicidal people in this world of crimes against our common home, a home that anyway will be deserted or replaced someday. And there may be exceptions from the general rule. You seemed to write that she was wrong, as if you knew exactly what were her reasons or goals by committing suicide. You used the circumstance of her death in order to express your opinions about suicide as a human sin. Anyway, maybe Jane Reichhold died for the same reasons/goals. I quote here Kant, with his well-known ethical theory:
“Every man is to be respected as an absolute end in himself; and it is a crime against the dignity that belongs to him as a human being, to use him as a mere means for some external purpose.”

Maybe you are right and I am sorry indeed that you had to go through such hell or that you had to play the role of a scavenger besides others…and yes it is right that only few people “succeed” to commit suicide, and the main reason is that they are not allowed to do that , that means that God does not want that. Maybe I am too fatalist compared to you, but I apologize again if I offended you. BTW hallucinatory schizophrenia is only a myth and we both know that. I had this diagnostic and I never did something wrong and I was only purity and goodness all my life for almost half a century. I am only a humble and inferior human being, and I don’t pretend to be someone else.

I totally agree with you, for example when I had my suicide attempt I believed that by doing this I can avoid becoming an instrument in the hands of evil people because I had a terrible headache for a long time. I tried to avoid becoming ”one of them”, I mean becoming someone who speaks and behaves in an evil manner towards innocent and intelligent people, because others were like this towards me and I could not understand why and how. The most important thing is that a human being should listen to a moral law and he should abstain from uttering harsh words or from doing what he does not know for certain if it is good or bad. You are absolutely right about that — for example what I know now couldn’t be guessed by my younger self.

Moreover, very few people rise above or fall under the survival instinct and in fact this instinct to be alive is a good thing for mere mortals, and it is still a basic part of the architecture of that common home.

and on a higher level, because everything is connected to everything, like in Sting’s song – I’m so happy I can’t stop crying – I can say that life is the only reality that we know, thus only a fool could want to destroy the world or the universe, because this wonder of existence is all that we know for sure, apart from death. Every time that I was close to suicide because of pain and many other misfortunes, I asked myself – can my suicide hurt others? or can my death be helpful to others ?- and then I restarted to live as a leaf in the wind, gracefully and believing in a harmonious whole of existence. That’s why I wrote that maybe Jane Reichhold was right, maybe she hurt no one.

Wise people don’t commit suicide in order to harm others – because wisdom means goodness and they cannot predict with precision if their death harms the evil ones or the good ones, or the constitution of living beings because anyway the world goes round, and they don’t commit suicide in order to help the good ones, if they don’t know for certain, I repeat, for certain, that their suicide is beneficial. And about very wise people I can say nothing because I am not one of them, I believe that was and I am simply wise and not very wise.

ABUSE

For God’s sake, pray to God for my mother or help her, she feels increasingly worse and without her I shall remain without health insurance and if they fuck me like they did yesterday and so many times I die if I don’t have psychiatric drugs and only my mother can bring them to me and of course I care for her – and the doctors said that I was removed from the list of patients with free medical insurance and my mother promised me that she will fight for my rights and she will go somewhere for that. For God’s sake, they even put false documents in my house in my drawers, I discovered forgeries in my drawers, IT IS TRUE, they have changed even my personal code in some official papers, it’s true. If I remain uninsured they will kill me … I was good, not evil, and my mother the same, and some people come over me with the thought that they no longer need me, and my mother said she no longer spoke with her cousin who lives in a neighboring locality. He has not even called her brother yet. Mother is less than 69 years old, and I am less than 46. For God’s sake, I don’t even have someone for exchanging two words with him/her on the phone. I have no one and I was pure goodness, HELP ME! They say that my people swore revenge to me though i was pure goodness and calm and that they believe that I was or that I am insane, evil and stupid! IT IS NOT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. ONLY WHAT i SAY IS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME. FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHY THERE IS NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD?? why don’t you understand? IT IS A MONSTROUS ABUSE AND MURDER, PLEASE HELP

9th of July, 2016

My horrible mother came to me and made again a horrible scene, leaving after 2 hours of yelling….I still wonder why you the rest of civilized people prefer the lies instead of truth and left me in the grip of such a monster…I always was good and innocent and maybe valuable as an individual.
Others just entered my mind saying that they had to lie about me and invent that I was insane or maybe more lies, BECAUSE they had to justify the fact that they imprisoned me for 32 years and fucked me again and again. Others entered my mind again saying that they want to kill me BECAUSE the common people must never understand that the psychiatric patients like me sustain the society. All these thoughts are theirs, they are only partly right BUT they don’t have any alibi for killing me, I was perfect my whole life.
Now again they repeat “Cristina is a bitch. She should have understood that if we confess the truth we will all die” and ” This was the only way to preserve our honor and be absolved of guilt — (to kill Cristina)” My opinion is that they are insane and the utmost of evil.
anyway I never forced someone to confess the truth and I cannot do this, their thoughts are illogical too