10th of August 2016

I am outraged! On a day like today, with 40 degrees Celsius at 6 PM (thanks God that today it was slightly better than the days before) they left the boulevard (Calea Moșilor) where I live in Bucharest and the nearby streets without garbage bins. I went on a walk in the neighborhood and I realized that people are out of their minds, possibly because of the heat wave too. They appear to be so many coming here on my street and too many prams with little babies under the scorching sun or effectively carried by their parents in their arms! It is not normal and this area is momentarily without proper sanitization – I smelled much too much dog shit and garbage in putrefaction and besides my pain in my belly, I feel very disgusted and sad and I needed to tell the truth again, hoping that they will help the poor people and their children. For God’s sake! Lord have pity on the children at least…I pray that the authorities will reinstall the waste containers soon.
I have to add another simple fact of observation. It seems that the poor people lack elementary hygiene notions and I feel very sorry for them. On such days and garbage conditions they should wear safe footwear. I had money only for one pair of shoes, but this does not matter. But they seem to have money, yet they come with babies on my street, wearing (men and women) thin soles sandals or flip-flops, as if on the beach. And the dust and the heat, etc.

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About suicide

I just found that haiku author, Jane Reichhold has committed suicide and, reading her obituary, I couldn’t abstain of telling the truth, in the following lines:
Hearing about Jane Reichhold suicide, I can say that I am in complete consternation, and one reason is the fact that this revered author joined facebook not too long ago and she kindly asked for my friendship and I accepted then she kindly appreciated some of my haiku in the beginning of our virtual friendship. Even if other friends of mine did not do that.
It does not matter what her origin was and it does not matter what her name meant. I am a marginalized person, I am considered insane only because I was from a very poor family and environment and Jane Reichhold was a lady from the upper intellectual elite compared to me. But this time, because I read Hansha Teki’s obituary, I cannot abstain from telling the truth. I beg your pardon, but Hansha is not right and I think that Jane Reichhold and maybe many others too don’t deserve to be scapegoats after their deaths. I am alone and considered insane, so my true conclusions about life don’t hurt no one. I will focus upon the illogical accusations brought to light by Hansha Teki, whom I admire and respect otherwise.
Hansha Teki accuses Jane that she took her own life dealing with extreme physical and mental pain. But we, humble mortals are not allowed to condemn or punish the sinners, because God only knows and can do this. Maybe Jane Reichhold knew that. Maybe beyond the accusation of being too weak in front of pain, lies something else. And what I know for sure is that a suicide is a murder. Maybe she found that by dying she avoids something worse, not for herself, but for others. Maybe she knew for certain that thing, maybe her knowledge about the world was at the highest level possible.
Another thing that I know for certain from my own experience is that suicidal persons are subsequently scapegoats and sinners for the rest of the world. But I also know that everything is in God’s hands and, if someone finally commits suicide, it means that it was God’s will to shake off the tree of life. But nowadays Inquisition, with the need to preserve a corrupt and inhumane power and unfair prejudices and lies, they put the blame on the suicide, as if the victim of suicide was against God, as if that person is a kind of devil or tempted by the devil to renounce and resign life against God’s will. Maybe the truth is the opposite, because I am certain that a person like Jane Reichhold was, can’t be a weak person facing suffering and couldn’t possibly have been considered herself to be wiser that God or hateful against God’s will. I think that Jane was humble and respectful towards all living beings and towards the system man-earth-universe like many other suicides are. I also refer to the lives of the saints who are really considered saints after committing suicide in order to preserve their faith and their purity.
I think that a person like Jane Reichhold could not be egoistical and that facing death no intellectual with higher education can be an egoist. All of them think about higher reasons than the reason of their lives and they die only if God wants their death to be a suicide. I tried to die many years ago, but God saved me after a near-death experience (clinical death maybe or something else) because it was not yet my time to die back then. Suicide is a part of a harmonious system of life, alike the rain or the snow, etc.
I told again the truth because I am nothing else and it was not my duty to create lies or to strengthen the prejudices of foolish people. Maybe she sacrificed her life in the name of being alive with the joy to care and to respect people and good things.

Of course, life is not a commodity, I agree about that, and I don’t speak against you – but maybe this was her own conclusion too before dying, among other things. Now I tell about myself because I had to face these days the illness of my mother, who is my only relationship in this world. I am tired to answer you in a complex manner, but I repeat that it seems that you accuse Jane Reichhold, even in the words you wrote in this comment above, while in fact it is true that for the innocent ones her guilt is not visible or certain. One cannot tell for sure, and we cannot accuse all suicidal people in this world of crimes against our common home, a home that anyway will be deserted or replaced someday. And there may be exceptions from the general rule. You seemed to write that she was wrong, as if you knew exactly what were her reasons or goals by committing suicide. You used the circumstance of her death in order to express your opinions about suicide as a human sin. Anyway, maybe Jane Reichhold died for the same reasons/goals. I quote here Kant, with his well-known ethical theory:
“Every man is to be respected as an absolute end in himself; and it is a crime against the dignity that belongs to him as a human being, to use him as a mere means for some external purpose.”

Maybe you are right and I am sorry indeed that you had to go through such hell or that you had to play the role of a scavenger besides others…and yes it is right that only few people “succeed” to commit suicide, and the main reason is that they are not allowed to do that , that means that God does not want that. Maybe I am too fatalist compared to you, but I apologize again if I offended you. BTW hallucinatory schizophrenia is only a myth and we both know that. I had this diagnostic and I never did something wrong and I was only purity and goodness all my life for almost half a century. I am only a humble and inferior human being, and I don’t pretend to be someone else.

I totally agree with you, for example when I had my suicide attempt I believed that by doing this I can avoid becoming an instrument in the hands of evil people because I had a terrible headache for a long time. I tried to avoid becoming ”one of them”, I mean becoming someone who speaks and behaves in an evil manner towards innocent and intelligent people, because others were like this towards me and I could not understand why and how. The most important thing is that a human being should listen to a moral law and he should abstain from uttering harsh words or from doing what he does not know for certain if it is good or bad. You are absolutely right about that — for example what I know now couldn’t be guessed by my younger self.

Moreover, very few people rise above or fall under the survival instinct and in fact this instinct to be alive is a good thing for mere mortals, and it is still a basic part of the architecture of that common home.

and on a higher level, because everything is connected to everything, like in Sting’s song – I’m so happy I can’t stop crying – I can say that life is the only reality that we know, thus only a fool could want to destroy the world or the universe, because this wonder of existence is all that we know for sure, apart from death. Every time that I was close to suicide because of pain and many other misfortunes, I asked myself – can my suicide hurt others? or can my death be helpful to others ?- and then I restarted to live as a leaf in the wind, gracefully and believing in a harmonious whole of existence. That’s why I wrote that maybe Jane Reichhold was right, maybe she hurt no one.

Wise people don’t commit suicide in order to harm others – because wisdom means goodness and they cannot predict with precision if their death harms the evil ones or the good ones, or the constitution of living beings because anyway the world goes round, and they don’t commit suicide in order to help the good ones, if they don’t know for certain, I repeat, for certain, that their suicide is beneficial. And about very wise people I can say nothing because I am not one of them, I believe that was and I am simply wise and not very wise.

ABUSE

For God’s sake, pray to God for my mother or help her, she feels increasingly worse and without her I shall remain without health insurance and if they fuck me like they did yesterday and so many times I die if I don’t have psychiatric drugs and only my mother can bring them to me and of course I care for her – and the doctors said that I was removed from the list of patients with free medical insurance and my mother promised me that she will fight for my rights and she will go somewhere for that. For God’s sake, they even put false documents in my house in my drawers, I discovered forgeries in my drawers, IT IS TRUE, they have changed even my personal code in some official papers, it’s true. If I remain uninsured they will kill me … I was good, not evil, and my mother the same, and some people come over me with the thought that they no longer need me, and my mother said she no longer spoke with her cousin who lives in a neighboring locality. He has not even called her brother yet. Mother is less than 69 years old, and I am less than 46. For God’s sake, I don’t even have someone for exchanging two words with him/her on the phone. I have no one and I was pure goodness, HELP ME! They say that my people swore revenge to me though i was pure goodness and calm and that they believe that I was or that I am insane, evil and stupid! IT IS NOT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. ONLY WHAT i SAY IS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME. FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHY THERE IS NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD?? why don’t you understand? IT IS A MONSTROUS ABUSE AND MURDER, PLEASE HELP

August, the second, 2016

I am in grief because my only relationship and support, my mother, is severely ill and goes today to the hospital, being suspect of Varicella-Zoster, a very severe infection at her age 😦 She came to my place and brought me my psychiatric pills for one month and said that I was expelled momentarily from the group of patients that have free medical insurance, that’s what they told to my poor mother when she went to my psychiatrist. She is full of red patches. Yet the psychiatrist still supports me, saying that it may be an error about my medical insurance. If my mother dies probably I will die too, lacking social support and feet and money to go and search for my rights. Please pray for me…:( A pig entered my mind saying that I felt pity a few days ago for my mother and that’s why she got ill. But I always felt pity for everyone. Now my tears are clouding my eyes. And it is also very hot now in Bucharest, a thing that may aggravate the illness. They also say that I am fully awake, that’s why I am feel pity and love for my mother and they took everything I loved and cherished and that’s why she is so ill.