For God’s sake, pray to God for my mother or help her, she feels increasingly worse and without her I shall remain without health insurance and if they fuck me like they did yesterday and so many times I die if I don’t have psychiatric drugs and only my mother can bring them to me and of course I care for her – and the doctors said that I was removed from the list of patients with free medical insurance and my mother promised me that she will fight for my rights and she will go somewhere for that. For God’s sake, they even put false documents in my house in my drawers, I discovered forgeries in my drawers, IT IS TRUE, they have changed even my personal code in some official papers, it’s true. If I remain uninsured they will kill me … I was good, not evil, and my mother the same, and some people come over me with the thought that they no longer need me, and my mother said she no longer spoke with her cousin who lives in a neighboring locality. He has not even called her brother yet. Mother is less than 69 years old, and I am less than 46. For God’s sake, I don’t even have someone for exchanging two words with him/her on the phone. I have no one and I was pure goodness, HELP ME! They say that my people swore revenge to me though i was pure goodness and calm and that they believe that I was or that I am insane, evil and stupid! IT IS NOT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. ONLY WHAT i SAY IS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME. FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHY THERE IS NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD?? why don’t you understand? IT IS A MONSTROUS ABUSE AND MURDER, PLEASE HELP
Another true mystery story, true as it can be. One of these photos is a mirrored image of the reality, it went out like this from the photographer who developed it from the film. I guess you already know which one. The other one is digitally modified by me from the original, in order to reveal the real setting and more of the children’s faces. I was that fat child (I regret now how they fattened me) and the other girl’s name was M., I don’t reveal her name. We were in my grandparents’ village. She was a naughty child compared with me and I was shocked back then when she told me about sex or the fact that she saw her relatives in that house doing that and she told me how standing on their feet. (I am sorry if I seem to offend someone by telling this naughty truth, but I told the whole truth about me because I believed that it was murder under aggravated circumstances. After my first psychiatric imprisonment, I was very mellow because of very powerful psychiatric drugs and a driving instructor abused me sexually — it was rapt, not rape– exactly like that little girl told me once, by standing with my back propped onto a tree in a forest near Bucharest. But I can assure you that the society started to repeat my past a long time ago, since my childhood — my books, movies, songs, real facts, etc. After drugs they repeated my unconscious mind, before that – my true ego. Obviously the world rejected both parts of me, but nonetheless it was better before hospital) No other child ever told me things like that and, after the day M told me, I repressed that ugly memory in my unconscious mind. That girl was from Bucharest and she was maybe the only girl coming from Bucharest there at some distant relatives, apart from me. She came there with two elder deaf-mute persons. Anyway I was happy back then, I was happy even playing with her, because I was in love with everything. You can see that the number over the entrance gate was 31, but that house was the closest house to our house, on the same side of the main road, and our house had the number 4 on it and in official acts. BTW, the place where I grew up near Bucharest had number 4 on it too when I was little. Other interesting facts are that once, before Easter, I put on fire by mistake (it was a very powerful wind that night) the long hair of that young woman who lived there, when I tried to carry my candle around the village church, which was the Orthodox tradition on Good Friday. I was told that that young woman was spied on the city streets and tracked by the man who married her, who was by chance a man from another village in the same area. I found that fact interesting because it happened to me too after many years, because of the man that I fell in love with (or maybe it was only a coincidence in my case). After years the 2 little girls that woman gave birth to were allowed to come and play with me when I was 17-18 years old and they gave me as gifts photos with them (of course I still have those photos, they were in my apartment a few days ago)and beautiful dedications on the back of those photos. I always loved to play with children and I took care of some children in my lifetime sometimes. I was patient and calm and back then children seemed to like me.
P.S. I confess that only now I understood the basics of psychiatry, e.g. the game the psychiatrists play between the conscious and the unconscious mind of the condemned. But I was condemned to death effectively being entirely good and innocent. My conscious mind was beautiful and my soul too, I can still prove that, and I can still tell you why and how they tortured me by repeating things from my past (conscious past) before hospitalization. Metaphorically speaking, what did they try to forget? Was that the cold war era when I grew up or something else?
This is the real story Beauty and the Beast (the play between ego and unconscious — from this point of view psychoanalysis is right). But, once again I hastened — it may be pure coincidence, but it always happened to me like this regarding the periods of time before and after psychiatry, for so many years in my life. Again I tell : maybe it was hastened generalization…I can say now a cynical saying that some of my relatives told me when I was little: “let me be in peace in my misery”.
I remembered now the best thing I heard when I was a psychology student: “A person becomes insane the moment he/she is no longer able to WORK and to LOVE. ”
It is the law of life or the law of existence — if you bestow a little peace upon a human creature like I was, naturally and inevitably it blooms — maybe you don’t get the meaning of what I say, maybe you are like many others against human potential or beauty&wisdom according to the human fate’s surrendering people, but I always felt like a flower — the same feeling of wholeness and light without anything wrong or dark or evil or proud. Only that calmness and peace, that feeling that skies are pure, that stars are the real power, whoever sees them….I know that you can call that bliss or insanity and no one respects those like this and very few understand. I will share with you a part of my experience: I had this feeling when I was 18 and then they crushed me into pieces. But the seed did not die. It was pure good and happiness. I was restored in 2005-2006 at a higher level of interior peace and wisdom by chance. I walked into the city and saw an old and poor mansion with its walls embraced by vines and grapevines not picked in autumn, mummified grapes and on the same street, nearby — a kindergarten with a tall tree (I forgot the species) in the yard. That precise moment I felt that I understood and I was a whole again. I was around 35 years of age, almost reborn after so many years and I expressed my feelings of awe in my journal back then, I still have it written down. Then someone entered my mind with the ugly thought that that’s exactly what they tried to avoid, and that I ruined their plans …. and then so many years of an orgy of evil and massacre upon my body&soul happened starting with 2005-2006, exploding in 2007 and followed by evil day and night afterwards. I was only a flower, not even carnivorous. Maybe you know that tale about the dream to be forever young and immortal….in my country it was a story about an emperor’s son…thanks God I never dreamed of that…I never wished something for myself, apart from having a child, but for the child’s sake. There are people repeating me since 2005 that I lost everything, but the truth is that I lost everything the moment I was conceived in my mother’s womb — or never. I had nothing of my own and it was only torture continuously since 1984 when I was 13 and I was totally imprisoned since then, so I could not have lost a thing, I was a woman in chains and under whip, a soul filled with altruistic feelings, so they stole everything forcefully while I had no rights at all. Regardless of others’ fight and devilry around me, I believe that my suicide would not have helped the good ones survive or bring something good to others. I repeat, I am and essentially I always was a human fate surrendering person. I was contemplating this beautiful world since I was a child and my attitude was pure and good and of course I loved peace and goodness — I never uttered thoughts in my own mind, like they said that evil people did around me, in order to fool others that I was evil or insane or stupid. I simply offered others goodness and purity and love and maybe sometimes beauty, without dreaming of fame or money or anything else…..I was not a titan, I was not titanic, I never stole something from Gods, etc. Poverty and misfortune combined with higher education and natural law observance and goodness education always leads to this result in women in my humble opinion.
Below, just for your curiosity (I was not curious my whole life, I believe that curiosity leads to disaster or it may be eventually a sin for many) or for your knowledge about good and bad, I rewrite a complaint about true things that they did to me in the past months and years:
I have to protect myself and at least try to clean my rooms because otherwise I am not allowed to do something else — evil people entered my mind saying that they fooled everyone about me. I don’t know who are they and I don’t believe them — they say that whatever I do, even cleaning and dusting, they invented lies, lies about walking, talking, washing myself, eating, drinking, defecating, admiring flowers, seeing other people or many babies in their prams on the street, writing innocent poems, etc. I cannot face the children because I was not allowed to have a child….I am sad to say this, I was only truth in a world of lies, like one song says. I shall continue to write about how I was tortured in the last 14 years when things got tougher than before on my Romanian blog about my life…Like I said, I started to clean my rooms, I found many objects missing, I was a slave and treated worse than an animal my whole life, they even placed false documents in my drawers… Even my identity card data was modified, they wrote 15 instead of 16 for my birthday. It is horrible. I did nothing wrong. I never lied and I had only positive attitudes and expectations, I was not influenced by the past, but it was in vain. I am not allowed to have my own objects or cherished memories, they can throw me on the street whenever they want to, they can falsify documents, they are allowed to do all the evil in the world. They even smeared with dirt my doors or cupboards and other things, especially when I still fought to clean them every week — dirt that couldn’t get there unless a paranormal phenomenon, lately I don’t have keys for the upper lock and my mother payed in vain for repairs, it is worse than before…they even took my photo with me and my mother when I was a baby, and that was certainly me…likewise in all the photos I already shared. They took my book of prayers, my ceramic objects, etc. It was terror, the reign of terror for 32 years in my life.
a part of the saddest stories in my life, just between me and you, 4 photos in 2003, before my godmother dies, only 60 years old, from a severe form of dementia (that’s what I was told). I was not with my family back then, my first cousin, a policeman, was there…you can see my mother, my cousin and the 3 relatives I lost one after the other: my godmother, my godfather (liver cancer) and my father (all of a sudden). It was before I could finally understand that each time I was away they went wrong, their health was worse, even my mother depended on me somehow…I dislike the fake smile on my cousin’s face. The others too tried to maintain the appearances, for example they spilled wine or something on the tablecloth, as usual…
and another photo below with my uncle/godfather before dying in front of the house where I was raised, with my cousin beside him…I am so sad looking in their eyes that reveal too much…