poison alway does

For so many years the headaches from my neighbors’ poison…I will tell the truth again: I did nothing wrong, my life and my character were perfect. I was continuously tortured since 1984 when I was 13. In my first years in this city, Bucharest, I was not poisoned. Since the years 2000 – poisoned exactly the way I already told. I could not finish the story of my imprisoned and tortured life and probably they won’t let me do this. After my father’s death it was worse and my mother too was worse towards me. I was always gentle and kind and I did nothing wrong and I don’t have sins. Since 2006, after moving in my own apartment, I noticed that my neighbors above let flowing some kind of gas – by the noise they do in my bathroom, a noise that isn’t water flow for certain sometimes – for hours at night or day, they have different kinds of such noises. I did not believe that it was poison just because I met once in the psychiatric hospital a woman who was imprisoned there and forced to tell the truth that she was poisoned with gas by her neighbors. But I did not question her sanity back then , I never made mistakes of any kind my whole life, like I told you. In my first years I did not believe that I was poisoned. Anyway, my smell was accommodated and I could not make the difference. I was not aloud to cover the hole towards the common bathroom “chimney”, though I asked for this and the neighbor below me, who tortures me with politics on TV, took care with another neighbor – a house painter – that my hole was left open in spite of me paying money and asking for letting it covered. Nevertheless my neighbor below has that opening closed in her apartment. I did not believe though it was a very strange noise. I went to my mother’s place where the air is ok and only in the past 2 years I recovered my smell and I observed that the air in my apartment is horrible! Indeed horrible. I could not have stayed with my mother because of her, not only because she harasses me. I repeat the air is horrible to breathe and it is for certain the cause of many nausea feelings and headaches and circulatory troubles. And peripheral neuropathy, etc. Of course I cannot blame the neighbors above for sure. Anyway in the past years they took my things and photos and tortured me with noises continuously and put dirt in my rooms and greasiness on my doors inside and false official acts in my drawers. Anyway none of them respects me and today a beggar, who apparently owns more money than me, mocked me with coarse appellation and said that I promised him 2 lei, which fact is not true. In all these years since 2006 my neighbors did not get older and their kids are not looking as if they were 16-17, but the same as in the beginning. And outdoors the neighborhood is wild each time I go out – thousands of cars and people staring and mocking me and below my apartments since March until November they come here and yell vulgar words every year, etc.

As for my suicide – forget it…months ago I realized that i won’t do this, my life was perfect, I cannot do this. My respect for goodness and beauty was immense all my life. Though you all deserted me and left me alone and totally isolated for so many years, without the slightest guilt or insanity from my part (I still can tell and I still remember everything). No one wants me and everyone pushed me to commit suicide. I am not Narcissus to commit suicide eventually and I am not Oedipus to destroy my sight (that is illusory like any other human sense) and I am not Socrates to commit ritual suicide (because that was not trial or condemnation of philosophy as a matter of fact) . I might have been all of them because others or the circumstances prearranged all of these….I was all of them but none. I deeply think that life is something very good and beautiful and necessary and my respect stayed the same through the years and whenever I was pushed to the limit I asked myself the same question — do I hurt life or existence of things by killing myself? I will not commit suicide — first of all in order to protect whatever may be connected with the link between my body and my spirit or with the dissolution of this link — if that will happen sometime because of the necessity of the whole. If I were someone else (it does not matter whom) I would not have killed a woman like I am and like I always was. Paradoxically, my too deep maternal instinct — the cause of my brightest happiness and of my deepest pain — demands me to avoid by all means committing suicide. (It is true that I disliked being poisoned — and that was true, or tortured by any means, and I disliked the stealing of my humble belongings (old or new)….but this will pass…someday).

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April 19th, 2016

Only 4 days after they tortured me forcing me to take 8 psychiatric pills, they came over my body again last night. This is my today’s status on facebook:

last night they raped me again sexually from the distance….this time I took only 3 psychiatric pills, last time I took 8 …I woke up at 7 pm then I went out and the neighbors did not salute me (3 of them) and the kiosk sellers were impolite…then someone entered my mind saying in my thoughts that “She must understand that she must commit suicide because those who are fucked must commit suicide”.

Someone answered me that I can accept these sexual things and try to consider them pleasant or good. That someone is not right and I answered her like this:

it is impossible, I am not masochist and this thing meant their hatred, it means dying and being imprisoned without guilt in the psychiatric hospital, it means being tortured by drugs, it means not having the right to have children, it means being called schizophrenic although you don’t have other symptoms except for these rapes from the distance, it means having no money to survive, it means receiving only death threats on your mind, it means having no right to study or to work, it means losing the respect of neighbors or sellers or other employees, it means, I repeat, horrible sexual tortures if they want to, it means horrible drug tortures, it means being forced to commit suicide, overall it means being horribly killed, how could one enjoy such a thing, plus their lies that one is insane because of this??!! You are absolutely wrong! You do not see the reality, but only your imagination and false beliefs… this fucking from the distance is the most horrible of all crimes over innocent and good and valuable individuals.

Then again someone entered my mind saying that I am absolutely right but the rest of the world must never understand the truth….so they want my death.

January 1st, 2016

Today some pigs entered again my mind in English with exactly the same statements that they always spit upon my mind. Thanks God that soon I will commit suicide, I waited enough and the guilty ones control everything and they don’t want to confess the truth about the crimes against me.

They said again in English that if the rest of the world would understand that I am absolutely normal and I always was like this and that I did nothing wrong, if the rest of the world would understand the truth about me,it would be a disaster even bigger than my suicide. They say that they want to cover it up all.
They always repeat this idea on my mind, it is absolutely certain that they want my death and soon they will enjoy it.

Then I said again (after a few hours) answering their attacks, I said again the truth that I was always like I am today since 1984 and that I was always perfect goodness and I never lied, etc. And I was always perfectly normal, absolutely never insane. Then another English pig entered my mind saying “Bullshit! they deleted her memory or she was brainwashed” as if he does not believe the truth about me. I say again that they did not delete my memory, I remember absolutely everything since early childhood and everything I said about me it is true, my life was absolute perfection and I have no sins or mistakes at all. And I did not hide a thing, I told everything and I never invented things and I never lied.

Once again about my mother — they all phone her and pay respect to her. No one calls me because I was pure goodness and I did nothing wrong and I truly respected and loved others while my mother was pure evil and they all preferred her. My mother is one of the most horrible assassins that ever existed on earth. And all my goodness and intellect were in vain. I remember precisely how she promised me to kill me and tortured me my whole life after 1984. It is true you fools! She said this many times. She said many times that she is tens of times superior to me ans that she knows how to lie and fool others, and that everyone will believe her not me. She said that because the laws and institutions are on her side she can kill me without being punished, because everyone will say that I am insane and I invent things. She said that all parents have the right to kill their children, (because if the child says the truth this is considered to be schizophrenia). THIS IS THE TRUTH YOU FOOLS, IN CASE YOU DID NOT KNOW THIS. Please accept my apologies for calling you fools, I waited in vain 31 years and a half, I hope you understand, I was pure goodness and normality and you hate good people…this is the bitter truth. And soon you all and my evil mother will enjoy my suicide and burial. And I hope that you know that insanity does not exist, I will not explain more.

I wish a happy new year to good people, if there are some remains of good persons anywhere in this world.

They entered my mind again saying that only people who don’t know what fucking is (me too I don’t know) only them are my support.

Ceaușescu’s fools

If you read carefully my notes on this blog about people’s insane thoughts entering my mind, you will find that sometimes they came over my thoughts with nonsensical thoughts about Ceausescu or other old political ideas. These evil fool spoke their thoughts upon me in Romanian. If you read the whole story of my life, especially on my Romanian blog you will understand that I was a really intelligent person and this is the truth and I am not vain, and I read many good books, and I was educated to be always calm and constant and my heart was filled with love and respect for life and people all my life. Therefore I could not have gone insane and invent things about Ceausescu and they could not have made me fantasize about this ex-communist leader, I kept my head on my shoulders, I was always realistic and never delusional.

Today it is for the first time that they entered in English over my mind with ideas related to Ceausescu, saying exactly like those fools in Romanian that they must kill me because they cannot admit the truth about my intellect and goodness and normality, etc., so they kill me after 31 years and a half of tortures because they imply that I was related to Ceausescu or to political vibes about him. It is not true, I remember absolutely everything. I am not vain, if you think so then you are poisoned with lies. It is crystal clear that these fools in English borrowed exactly the ideas of those insane people in Romanian, maybe through the great vine. It is obvious that I was always right about my life. They never told me what link do they think that it was between me and Ceausescu and I can swear in front of God that there was none, neither paranoia from my part, nor any kind of mingling my thoughts into the political pool of fools.

I am really sad. For those who don’t know the truth: think twice — Ceausescu was a perfect gluey or sticky idea in order to create social gathering or union of the fools, something beneath the surface, as it was before 1989 the cold war propaganda. I was an intelligent and well educated person and I couldn’t have fallen in neither one of these two follies. And I couldn’t have acted as if I were insane, I was always myself. Like this, they used me as a shield for their suburban thinking. I never went mad, but the intellectuals preferred to kill me and torture me as if I were insane for the sake of their welfare and self fulfillment, in order to protect themselves from the madding crowd. I couldn’t have done such a thing to a good and intelligent person like I was, I would have preferred to die. And it seems now that this folly spread in other countries too. This can be easily explained. As for me, I never pondered about Ceausescu because I never was insane.

And now these evil people in English spit again over me “Everything under control”. Oh my God…why there is no place on earth for good and innocent people? They say that the evil ones control everything and the good ones are accepted only if they are fools, and I was not, thus they kill me.

As for the Gypsy girl that attacked me in the early morning, I think that the first 2 times when she displayed aggressiveness towards me I forgave her on the spot and said kind and calm words to her with all my heart.. It seems that this annoyed her or made her more furious. For me it would have been the opposite. Maybe it was my mistake, I should have guessed this, I mean the fact that such young and turbulent spirits like hers cannot be educated or moralized through goodness. If she did not receive proper care and love or respect, like someone told me, this means that she cannot be able to open her heart and to receive love or goodness in the future. Now it was the 3rd time that she attacked me, maybe now she feels victorious and satisfied because this time I answered with aggressive words myself after her double attack.
…………
But I went outside this evening and she jumped on both feet in an angry pose in front of me. My hopes were in vain that she would let me free of her evil illusions. Sometimes the thirst for evil cannot be easily appeased for such girls.