For God’s sake, pray to God for my mother or help her, she feels increasingly worse and without her I shall remain without health insurance and if they fuck me like they did yesterday and so many times I die if I don’t have psychiatric drugs and only my mother can bring them to me and of course I care for her – and the doctors said that I was removed from the list of patients with free medical insurance and my mother promised me that she will fight for my rights and she will go somewhere for that. For God’s sake, they even put false documents in my house in my drawers, I discovered forgeries in my drawers, IT IS TRUE, they have changed even my personal code in some official papers, it’s true. If I remain uninsured they will kill me … I was good, not evil, and my mother the same, and some people come over me with the thought that they no longer need me, and my mother said she no longer spoke with her cousin who lives in a neighboring locality. He has not even called her brother yet. Mother is less than 69 years old, and I am less than 46. For God’s sake, I don’t even have someone for exchanging two words with him/her on the phone. I have no one and I was pure goodness, HELP ME! They say that my people swore revenge to me though i was pure goodness and calm and that they believe that I was or that I am insane, evil and stupid! IT IS NOT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. ONLY WHAT i SAY IS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME. FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHY THERE IS NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD?? why don’t you understand? IT IS A MONSTROUS ABUSE AND MURDER, PLEASE HELP
Holy Sunday. They are still spitting dirt over my thoughts with their devious thoughts. Again the same things:
1. ” It is not true”. as if they want to make the fools think that I lie, or that I defend myself against their lies.
2. “My compliments, Cristina”. As if they want to make the fools think that I am evil and they spit their rage against me, and they think that I did something wrong. I did nothing wrong.
3. “We must confess the truth my brothers”. As if they they want the others to believe that I lied and I did not confess the truth, while I was only purity and goodness. Or they want to make me think that they lie and they don’t want to confess.
4. “Forgive us Cristina”. As if they want the fools to think that I am hurting them and they ask me for mercy.
5. And in English they say “Now we’re even”. As if they want the fools to think that I am revengeful towards someone that I don’t know. I was pure good and reasonable my entire life, I never had revengeful thoughts, I always forgave and I did nothing wrong. I never absolutely never had revengeful thinking because I am not stupid.
This is the first Sunday that they horribly torture me in the past few months. And although I am 45 and a half, I still believe only in goodness, truth, love and peace. I believe that the truth is better than lies, in spite of their lies. I still believe that a human being should have the right to be alive, though for 32 years they treated me as if I don’t deserve the right to be alive and that only others’ lives matter. And everything was like this only because I was poor and they were rich. I believe that poor people’s lives should be respected, even when they have higher education, like me.
Only 4 days after they tortured me forcing me to take 8 psychiatric pills, they came over my body again last night. This is my today’s status on facebook:
last night they raped me again sexually from the distance….this time I took only 3 psychiatric pills, last time I took 8 …I woke up at 7 pm then I went out and the neighbors did not salute me (3 of them) and the kiosk sellers were impolite…then someone entered my mind saying in my thoughts that “She must understand that she must commit suicide because those who are fucked must commit suicide”.
Someone answered me that I can accept these sexual things and try to consider them pleasant or good. That someone is not right and I answered her like this:
it is impossible, I am not masochist and this thing meant their hatred, it means dying and being imprisoned without guilt in the psychiatric hospital, it means being tortured by drugs, it means not having the right to have children, it means being called schizophrenic although you don’t have other symptoms except for these rapes from the distance, it means having no money to survive, it means receiving only death threats on your mind, it means having no right to study or to work, it means losing the respect of neighbors or sellers or other employees, it means, I repeat, horrible sexual tortures if they want to, it means horrible drug tortures, it means being forced to commit suicide, overall it means being horribly killed, how could one enjoy such a thing, plus their lies that one is insane because of this??!! You are absolutely wrong! You do not see the reality, but only your imagination and false beliefs… this fucking from the distance is the most horrible of all crimes over innocent and good and valuable individuals.
Then again someone entered my mind saying that I am absolutely right but the rest of the world must never understand the truth….so they want my death.
I never was the object of physical brutality like today…except for my parents who beat me in my teen and adult years with horrible violence and the psychiatric patients who beat me and stole my clothes in the hospital. Today I went out from my block of apartments passing through the corridor that inspired once a haiku to me. A young Gypsy girl about whom I already told what she did to me, came unexpectedly from my back, on the left side where there was little space between me and the wall. She could have make me fall and get really hurt and injured by a stronger blow. Then she screamed (almost) at me that I am fat like a pig or cow, and she repeated this, that I cover the whole corridor and she has no place to walk besides me and she repeated this…of course it was not true. Then she spoke even harsher words. I never sent someone to hell, but this time, while she continued to look with evil eyes at me, I said “go to hell” to her, with a less stronger word (naiba in Romanian) because I was tired and I don’t understand her hatred. I remember once when I was young and I sang songs to Gypsy children and they seemed to like it, and I remember how I was a primary school teacher for them, and how I listened to their stories about deportation in WWII and their habits, and I recorded them on tape and photographed them with care and love…and I always helped the poor Gypsies in the countryside. It seems that these Gypsies from the city are really evil…once when I was in Cluj they gave me lice on the street (I was only 20 years old) and maybe it was them who gave me lice when I got infested in 2014, I don’t really know who was guilty, but I had to sell one of the 2 gold rings of my mother in order to buy special shampoo :(((
On 11th is my father’s patron saint day in Romania, he used to celebrate this day when he was still alive. His name was Victor. Today is holy Sunday in Romania.
On our official Romanian Orthodox site they make advertising with bare women legs for French stockings, that’s what appears when I open it :((
I also remember Andersen’s story about the Snow Queen and how I empathized with the heroine, the little girl who was abducted by a band of thieves (maybe Gypsyes or not) who did not kill her because a little robber girl protected her. Now it is the opposite. I always was the good and innocent one, yet they all destroyed me since 1984.
Read 5th story, if you did not know it: