poison alway does

For so many years the headaches from my neighbors’ poison…I will tell the truth again: I did nothing wrong, my life and my character were perfect. I was continuously tortured since 1984 when I was 13. In my first years in this city, Bucharest, I was not poisoned. Since the years 2000 – poisoned exactly the way I already told. I could not finish the story of my imprisoned and tortured life and probably they won’t let me do this. After my father’s death it was worse and my mother too was worse towards me. I was always gentle and kind and I did nothing wrong and I don’t have sins. Since 2006, after moving in my own apartment, I noticed that my neighbors above let flowing some kind of gas – by the noise they do in my bathroom, a noise that isn’t water flow for certain sometimes – for hours at night or day, they have different kinds of such noises. I did not believe that it was poison just because I met once in the psychiatric hospital a woman who was imprisoned there and forced to tell the truth that she was poisoned with gas by her neighbors. But I did not question her sanity back then , I never made mistakes of any kind my whole life, like I told you. In my first years I did not believe that I was poisoned. Anyway, my smell was accommodated and I could not make the difference. I was not aloud to cover the hole towards the common bathroom “chimney”, though I asked for this and the neighbor below me, who tortures me with politics on TV, took care with another neighbor – a house painter – that my hole was left open in spite of me paying money and asking for letting it covered. Nevertheless my neighbor below has that opening closed in her apartment. I did not believe though it was a very strange noise. I went to my mother’s place where the air is ok and only in the past 2 years I recovered my smell and I observed that the air in my apartment is horrible! Indeed horrible. I could not have stayed with my mother because of her, not only because she harasses me. I repeat the air is horrible to breathe and it is for certain the cause of many nausea feelings and headaches and circulatory troubles. And peripheral neuropathy, etc. Of course I cannot blame the neighbors above for sure. Anyway in the past years they took my things and photos and tortured me with noises continuously and put dirt in my rooms and greasiness on my doors inside and false official acts in my drawers. Anyway none of them respects me and today a beggar, who apparently owns more money than me, mocked me with coarse appellation and said that I promised him 2 lei, which fact is not true. In all these years since 2006 my neighbors did not get older and their kids are not looking as if they were 16-17, but the same as in the beginning. And outdoors the neighborhood is wild each time I go out – thousands of cars and people staring and mocking me and below my apartments since March until November they come here and yell vulgar words every year, etc.

As for my suicide – forget it…months ago I realized that i won’t do this, my life was perfect, I cannot do this. My respect for goodness and beauty was immense all my life. Though you all deserted me and left me alone and totally isolated for so many years, without the slightest guilt or insanity from my part (I still can tell and I still remember everything). No one wants me and everyone pushed me to commit suicide. I am not Narcissus to commit suicide eventually and I am not Oedipus to destroy my sight (that is illusory like any other human sense) and I am not Socrates to commit ritual suicide (because that was not trial or condemnation of philosophy as a matter of fact) . I might have been all of them because others or the circumstances prearranged all of these….I was all of them but none. I deeply think that life is something very good and beautiful and necessary and my respect stayed the same through the years and whenever I was pushed to the limit I asked myself the same question — do I hurt life or existence of things by killing myself? I will not commit suicide — first of all in order to protect whatever may be connected with the link between my body and my spirit or with the dissolution of this link — if that will happen sometime because of the necessity of the whole. If I were someone else (it does not matter whom) I would not have killed a woman like I am and like I always was. Paradoxically, my too deep maternal instinct — the cause of my brightest happiness and of my deepest pain — demands me to avoid by all means committing suicide. (It is true that I disliked being poisoned — and that was true, or tortured by any means, and I disliked the stealing of my humble belongings (old or new)….but this will pass…someday).

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8th of August 2016

My mother went today to the office where she had to find out why my free medical insurance was no more valid. She found that once I received a sum of money for publishing my poems. The sum of money was not big, yet they retired my card, although it was not a monthly income and it happened only once. I don’t understand – are they implying that handicapped people don’t have the right to write poems? My medical insurance is free of charge because I am a handicapped person (my handicap certificate is based on my motor handicap, the fact that my leg was amputated) with no money revenue – but what they did is not logical or legal in my opinion. What if I were to receive only once a donation for example? Or another thing like that?

It is illogical, because if I had to pay my medical insurance I would have been forced to pay it from my revenue — but I have no money revenue, so it would have been impossible. What does this mean? Are they condemning me to death only because I lost half of my left leg without guilt from my part? Ten years ago I was still able to do many jobs, but they rejected me. I have a psychiatric diagnostic since i was 21, but I was not insane (not guilty or evil at all, no psychological problems) and thus I have no rights to do work and no rights to have a pension. All they give for psychiatric patients is a small sum of money that would not have been enough for monthly food necessities, let alone paying the rent. And I rejected that money because years ago I still had hopes that they will accept me in the society as a normal and working individual. Although I rejected that small sum of money, my neighbors said to me that they believe that I have a pension, maybe they don’t know that psychiatric patients don’t have a pension if they were diagnosed in their youth, before completing a few working years. And for motor handicap the state gives only the money for food for 2 days.

And now they did this mistake, retiring my medical insurance only because it happened that I wrote poems! Thanks God that my mother went there and now they changed their minds saying that they will give me back my rights.

ABUSE

For God’s sake, pray to God for my mother or help her, she feels increasingly worse and without her I shall remain without health insurance and if they fuck me like they did yesterday and so many times I die if I don’t have psychiatric drugs and only my mother can bring them to me and of course I care for her – and the doctors said that I was removed from the list of patients with free medical insurance and my mother promised me that she will fight for my rights and she will go somewhere for that. For God’s sake, they even put false documents in my house in my drawers, I discovered forgeries in my drawers, IT IS TRUE, they have changed even my personal code in some official papers, it’s true. If I remain uninsured they will kill me … I was good, not evil, and my mother the same, and some people come over me with the thought that they no longer need me, and my mother said she no longer spoke with her cousin who lives in a neighboring locality. He has not even called her brother yet. Mother is less than 69 years old, and I am less than 46. For God’s sake, I don’t even have someone for exchanging two words with him/her on the phone. I have no one and I was pure goodness, HELP ME! They say that my people swore revenge to me though i was pure goodness and calm and that they believe that I was or that I am insane, evil and stupid! IT IS NOT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. ONLY WHAT i SAY IS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME. FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHY THERE IS NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD?? why don’t you understand? IT IS A MONSTROUS ABUSE AND MURDER, PLEASE HELP

Sunday, the 17th of July, 2016

Holy Sunday. They are still spitting dirt over my thoughts with their devious thoughts. Again the same things:
1. ” It is not true”. as if they want to make the fools think that I lie, or that I defend myself against their lies.
2. “My compliments, Cristina”. As if they want to make the fools think that I am evil and they spit their rage against me, and they think that I did something wrong. I did nothing wrong.
3. “We must confess the truth my brothers”. As if they they want the others to believe that I lied and I did not confess the truth, while I was only purity and goodness. Or they want to make me think that they lie and they don’t want to confess.
4. “Forgive us Cristina”. As if they want the fools to think that I am hurting them and they ask me for mercy.
5. And in English they say “Now we’re even”. As if they want the fools to think that I am revengeful towards someone that I don’t know. I was pure good and reasonable my entire life, I never had revengeful thoughts, I always forgave and I did nothing wrong. I never absolutely never had revengeful thinking because I am not stupid.

This is the first Sunday that they horribly torture me in the past few months. And although I am 45 and a half, I still believe only in goodness, truth, love and peace. I believe that the truth is better than lies, in spite of their lies. I still believe that a human being should have the right to be alive, though for 32 years they treated me as if I don’t deserve the right to be alive and that only others’ lives matter. And everything was like this only because I was poor and they were rich. I believe that poor people’s lives should be respected, even when they have higher education, like me.