For God’s sake, pray to God for my mother or help her, she feels increasingly worse and without her I shall remain without health insurance and if they fuck me like they did yesterday and so many times I die if I don’t have psychiatric drugs and only my mother can bring them to me and of course I care for her – and the doctors said that I was removed from the list of patients with free medical insurance and my mother promised me that she will fight for my rights and she will go somewhere for that. For God’s sake, they even put false documents in my house in my drawers, I discovered forgeries in my drawers, IT IS TRUE, they have changed even my personal code in some official papers, it’s true. If I remain uninsured they will kill me … I was good, not evil, and my mother the same, and some people come over me with the thought that they no longer need me, and my mother said she no longer spoke with her cousin who lives in a neighboring locality. He has not even called her brother yet. Mother is less than 69 years old, and I am less than 46. For God’s sake, I don’t even have someone for exchanging two words with him/her on the phone. I have no one and I was pure goodness, HELP ME! They say that my people swore revenge to me though i was pure goodness and calm and that they believe that I was or that I am insane, evil and stupid! IT IS NOT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. ONLY WHAT i SAY IS THE TRUTH ABOUT ME. FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHY THERE IS NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD?? why don’t you understand? IT IS A MONSTROUS ABUSE AND MURDER, PLEASE HELP

questions…(November, 2nd, 2015)

My apartment was today flooded again. It is the second time in only 3 days. The first time I had water from a washing machine installed in the kitchen, now I had water plus black dirt. I was helped the first time by 2 neighbors, the second time this evening by the same people. I had to spend some money and you know, if I survive this swelling abdomen I will have to starve again 3 weeks after I pay my bills or to eat again moist sugar bread, plus sugared boiled rice or pasta or simply boiled potatoes. And if I have diabetes as my doctor suggested it will be very horrible. And the electricity bill came very costly this month, although I did not use too much the refrigerator. I did not use the washing machine, nor the vacuum cleaner, nor the ironing. It is almost 100 lei (22.5 euros) :((

I need to say that I had flooded kitchen in the past too, before the old administrator died of cancer. It always happens when I have abdominal swelling and now this swelling is horrible. It is as if my body and brain are a kind of house and influence this building or they are influenced in return. Do you remember the old song “She’s a brick house”? I really think that women are houses too and men can be planes too. Aren’t they aviators, etc. all sorts of magicians in this world? I was a simple vestal.Today I drank more than 7 liters of water. But the swelling was prior to this thirst, it is true. It is another cause for that, and always it happens when I am molested sexually from the distance this way they did these days, I mean horrible sexual sensations like an injection of poison in my sex, not powerful but constant.

Some strange thoughts entered my mind saying that I must die for the sake of the lies that my people invented about me. I don’t agree with that one. Another one says that they told lies to my people about my abdomen, saying that I am insane and that swelling was caused by nervous system troubles. I am sad, I cannot believe this. People cannot be so stupid to believe such lies. And why should they kill me, while I was pure goodness and a good character my whole life? Some of them accuse me that I think that I am the belly button of the world, but in fact, you see, it is them who treat me as if I were that center of their world, because they invent incredible things that “they” told lies about me to the people! Don’t you see, I cannot believe this. Why should someone tell lies to my people about me, a humble beggar all my life, one of the many, never in the spotlight, alone and poor since childhood?! Many of these horror days for me in the past 2 weeks they gathered they modern cars and their gasoline crowding the road intersection where I live. Many pedestrians too and, as usual, the same neighbors on and on. Today I met again an old acquaintance, the woman who lived downstairs on this street when I still lived with my parents and I tried to kill myself. My father told me that she was the one who found me lying in my blood on the street and announced him. He said that they did not call the emergency car at first, and someone dragged me near the wall of the building (or myself, unconscious?). Then I lost my mind and father said that I asked for a cigarette near the wall. Then I lost much blood, I was unconscious, then…everything I already told about my suicide attempt, that was really altruistic. And for my question they answer that they needed me as a sacrifice in order for them to gain power in this world. They said today that of course that I am no more guilty than the calf taken to the abattoir.

Blue Illness

It is not dirt inside my prosthetic limb that you can see in the picture below. A few years ago I had, like I said many times, bluish-green excretions from my amputated leg and from my hip joints too. I went to different medics, but they did not tell me why. They said that these blue colors for my leg were because of the prosthetic leg coat material, which proved to be untrue and was obviously a lie since then and for my inguinal blue excretions they said it was a fungus, but they did not give me antifungal medicine, but corticosteroid ointment and the color was obviously the same with that from my leg. The excretion was sticky and itchy, usually it changed color from blue to green before disappearing. It appeared now and then from time to time, at 2-3 weeks interval or more. A dermatologist sent me to the endocrinologist, but he did not give me diagnostic or drugs. The stockings too were colored in blue. I know that you know that I am not a liar, but I was puzzled. Now that problem disappeared, maybe 2 years ago. They gave me antiallergics too. The stains it left on clothes could not be bleached, believe it or not! It was very strange. Now I have another prosthetic limb, but I had 2 or 3 with this problem.

I wrote everything about my blue excretions, caused by an unknown illness, that troubled me for many years between 2003-2013. Then those excretions disappeared. In one photo it looks greener, in reality it was bluer, like in the other one, but darker, this being a flash photo that lost color in time. But other physical health troubles aggravated. Here the stocking is clean but I have pictures with blue stockings that cannot be bleached. My mother threw away almost all of them, I still have a few.

Here the prosthetic limb is damaged, I used adhesive tape to mend it and wear it. I had many prosthetic limbs. Sometimes they break, because of fabrication defects or because of rusty pieces (they were not entirely made of steel). Once it was winter and I went into the city on snow a longer distance. I was lucky because it broke right in front of my apartment when I came back and some neighbors took me inside. I could have been injured, but I was lucky about that too because the shock of falling on my amputated leg was amortized by snow. The last time, this year 2015, it broke indoors and I was right near the kitchen’s door and I clasped the doorknob, otherwise I could have been hardly injured. I stayed on crutches this time a few months, because I had a wound at my amputated leg, that healed very slow, in 4-5 months.

The health insurance pays for a part of it, but if my mother hadn’t some money in the bank to complete its cost, I would have been forced to stay in bed and crutches all of my life.

The photos with my amputated leg were made a few years ago, probably in 2009, before it began to swell. Back then I still had bluish secretions from it and from other joints too. Soon after my amputation in 1998, another medic said that the tibia bone was too preeminent at the tip and the amputation was not properly made, being made in emergency conditions, in order to save my life. He said he will make another one, then he changed his mind. I don’t know who was right, but after that my other physical health problems aggravated.

In the winter 2014-2015, although I am now fatter than then, once this half-leg swelled so much that it became almost as big as my thigh. It was red and warm, and it was not the first time. The other one, the right leg, was swollen too, but not as much as the left one. An emergency doctor said that it might be deep vein thrombosis… The family doctor asked me to call the emergency and that doctor sent me to the hospital next day. I got there after 2 days, and the leg was less swollen. They blamed me for going there for nothing and made fun of me as if everything was my fancy, though I complained about other symptoms too. But it was not my fault, the leg was horrible and I went there on medical advice. They gave me no medicine at all and sent me home. Since then until now, the summer of 2015, it did not swell so much.

The photo with the swollen leg (my right foot) is from 2013, when the trouble was not as big as in 2014 or 2015. I have this symptom, among many others, starting with 2003…things got worse and worse and the doctors don’t give me medicine at all. I am sad, I did absolutely nothing wrong my whole life, but I was from a very poor background. That day I could barely move my body to the garbage bin to get rid of my garbage gathered in days.