poison alway does

For so many years the headaches from my neighbors’ poison…I will tell the truth again: I did nothing wrong, my life and my character were perfect. I was continuously tortured since 1984 when I was 13. In my first years in this city, Bucharest, I was not poisoned. Since the years 2000 – poisoned exactly the way I already told. I could not finish the story of my imprisoned and tortured life and probably they won’t let me do this. After my father’s death it was worse and my mother too was worse towards me. I was always gentle and kind and I did nothing wrong and I don’t have sins. Since 2006, after moving in my own apartment, I noticed that my neighbors above let flowing some kind of gas – by the noise they do in my bathroom, a noise that isn’t water flow for certain sometimes – for hours at night or day, they have different kinds of such noises. I did not believe that it was poison just because I met once in the psychiatric hospital a woman who was imprisoned there and forced to tell the truth that she was poisoned with gas by her neighbors. But I did not question her sanity back then , I never made mistakes of any kind my whole life, like I told you. In my first years I did not believe that I was poisoned. Anyway, my smell was accommodated and I could not make the difference. I was not aloud to cover the hole towards the common bathroom “chimney”, though I asked for this and the neighbor below me, who tortures me with politics on TV, took care with another neighbor – a house painter – that my hole was left open in spite of me paying money and asking for letting it covered. Nevertheless my neighbor below has that opening closed in her apartment. I did not believe though it was a very strange noise. I went to my mother’s place where the air is ok and only in the past 2 years I recovered my smell and I observed that the air in my apartment is horrible! Indeed horrible. I could not have stayed with my mother because of her, not only because she harasses me. I repeat the air is horrible to breathe and it is for certain the cause of many nausea feelings and headaches and circulatory troubles. And peripheral neuropathy, etc. Of course I cannot blame the neighbors above for sure. Anyway in the past years they took my things and photos and tortured me with noises continuously and put dirt in my rooms and greasiness on my doors inside and false official acts in my drawers. Anyway none of them respects me and today a beggar, who apparently owns more money than me, mocked me with coarse appellation and said that I promised him 2 lei, which fact is not true. In all these years since 2006 my neighbors did not get older and their kids are not looking as if they were 16-17, but the same as in the beginning. And outdoors the neighborhood is wild each time I go out – thousands of cars and people staring and mocking me and below my apartments since March until November they come here and yell vulgar words every year, etc.

As for my suicide – forget it…months ago I realized that i won’t do this, my life was perfect, I cannot do this. My respect for goodness and beauty was immense all my life. Though you all deserted me and left me alone and totally isolated for so many years, without the slightest guilt or insanity from my part (I still can tell and I still remember everything). No one wants me and everyone pushed me to commit suicide. I am not Narcissus to commit suicide eventually and I am not Oedipus to destroy my sight (that is illusory like any other human sense) and I am not Socrates to commit ritual suicide (because that was not trial or condemnation of philosophy as a matter of fact) . I might have been all of them because others or the circumstances prearranged all of these….I was all of them but none. I deeply think that life is something very good and beautiful and necessary and my respect stayed the same through the years and whenever I was pushed to the limit I asked myself the same question — do I hurt life or existence of things by killing myself? I will not commit suicide — first of all in order to protect whatever may be connected with the link between my body and my spirit or with the dissolution of this link — if that will happen sometime because of the necessity of the whole. If I were someone else (it does not matter whom) I would not have killed a woman like I am and like I always was. Paradoxically, my too deep maternal instinct — the cause of my brightest happiness and of my deepest pain — demands me to avoid by all means committing suicide. (It is true that I disliked being poisoned — and that was true, or tortured by any means, and I disliked the stealing of my humble belongings (old or new)….but this will pass…someday).

Sunday, the 17th of July, 2016

Holy Sunday. They are still spitting dirt over my thoughts with their devious thoughts. Again the same things:
1. ” It is not true”. as if they want to make the fools think that I lie, or that I defend myself against their lies.
2. “My compliments, Cristina”. As if they want to make the fools think that I am evil and they spit their rage against me, and they think that I did something wrong. I did nothing wrong.
3. “We must confess the truth my brothers”. As if they they want the others to believe that I lied and I did not confess the truth, while I was only purity and goodness. Or they want to make me think that they lie and they don’t want to confess.
4. “Forgive us Cristina”. As if they want the fools to think that I am hurting them and they ask me for mercy.
5. And in English they say “Now we’re even”. As if they want the fools to think that I am revengeful towards someone that I don’t know. I was pure good and reasonable my entire life, I never had revengeful thoughts, I always forgave and I did nothing wrong. I never absolutely never had revengeful thinking because I am not stupid.

This is the first Sunday that they horribly torture me in the past few months. And although I am 45 and a half, I still believe only in goodness, truth, love and peace. I believe that the truth is better than lies, in spite of their lies. I still believe that a human being should have the right to be alive, though for 32 years they treated me as if I don’t deserve the right to be alive and that only others’ lives matter. And everything was like this only because I was poor and they were rich. I believe that poor people’s lives should be respected, even when they have higher education, like me.

9th of July, 2016

My horrible mother came to me and made again a horrible scene, leaving after 2 hours of yelling….I still wonder why you the rest of civilized people prefer the lies instead of truth and left me in the grip of such a monster…I always was good and innocent and maybe valuable as an individual.
Others just entered my mind saying that they had to lie about me and invent that I was insane or maybe more lies, BECAUSE they had to justify the fact that they imprisoned me for 32 years and fucked me again and again. Others entered my mind again saying that they want to kill me BECAUSE the common people must never understand that the psychiatric patients like me sustain the society. All these thoughts are theirs, they are only partly right BUT they don’t have any alibi for killing me, I was perfect my whole life.
Now again they repeat “Cristina is a bitch. She should have understood that if we confess the truth we will all die” and ” This was the only way to preserve our honor and be absolved of guilt — (to kill Cristina)” My opinion is that they are insane and the utmost of evil.
anyway I never forced someone to confess the truth and I cannot do this, their thoughts are illogical too

Monsters — the truth again

Look — the situation. I was monstrously massacred by barbarians, especially in since 2002, but they did not let me write all. I explain again the current situation, hoping that you will take a lesson at least. I don’t know if I will commit suicide now. In the past 10 years they massacred me, and the medics too. They did not give me proper treatment in my humble opinion. I WENT ONCE TO THE OCULIST AND SHE SAID I DO NOT NEED GLASSES, I ASKED FOR READING. I had my period these days and soon as it started they started to massacre me sexually. HORRIBLE. My mother refused to bring me psychiatric pills on Tuesday and that medic refused to give me all that I needed (even though they had to change the pills IMHO) because they emitted laws forbidding 2 types of drugs per patient. For 2 days they horribly used my sex, moving and controlling my pelvis…and pain all over. I sweated all over and felt like dying and hyperthermia too —heat all over my body. Couldn’t sleep. I tried to read a few pages in vain….my eyes are too tired because of them. Pain in my eyes. Each night in the back of my building there are young monsters or PIGS spitting vulgar words for 10 years, drumming, laughing, etc. Very loud. Each day the neighbors. If I could read I could have resisted maybe this night, but as I told it is murder, they did not give me eyeglasses or eye remedies, they yell each night and they torture my body & brain. On a closed group with colleagues from Psychology I kindly talked with one of them and another one Camelia Popa, a doctor in Psychology, who recently unfriended me on facebook spitted there harsh words upon me as if I were evil or as if she were an idiot.
See, maybe you don’t understand me. I was always silent. I don’t speak and I don’t think thoughts in my mind. I don’t know what disturbs them. I woke up and my head feels horrible because of the tortures in the past months. Then they entered my mind with their thoughts “All mad people are right, but the trouble is that they are fucked” “They can’t fuck her in her “pizda”, they can’t fuck her in her “cur”, what else can they do?” They are vulgar and mean and evil. I never was like this. I remember how they screamed in the past weeks (Not thoughts, but the screams of the workers nearby) “Now that’s the pizda talking”…:( And I was saying/thinking nothing. And hundreds of evil and vulgar thoughts too, not mine, never heard by me except by few. And now “You are too old you stupid”. You cannot even imagine how many curses and coarse talking aloud I had to swallow from the workers nearby in the past weeks — they screamed aloud on and on pizda and pula words I that I hate and called one another you handicapped, obey to me, etc.