Zombies, zombies everywhere! Do you buy zombies? Cheap zombies, guaranteed quality. Expensive zombies, you can return them to the seller…Oh, but it’s not FAIR.

I shall tell you another story, this time in English, though I vowed to stop writing or translating into English for personal reasons. Last year, when I was very tired i was visited by my psychiatric nurse with her daughter. They seem to be very kind and good-hearted women and the young one has a little daughter. They seemed to help me and my mother and got under my mother’s skin. The little granddaughter came to my mother’s yard last summer and watered the roses herself with a garden hose. This year at my birthday, on February 16, her very young mother came to me and bought a cheap and non-edible birthday cake and I said thanks of course. But I was amazed by that young mother’s slip of the mind. The young woman paused as if thinking and said that her daughter is now one year and a half ! Now you can understand my puzzlement especially while remembering what happened last year…

As I told you, the two women came to me when I was very tired, in order to bring me psychiatric pills. The truth is that when I opened the entrance door to my apartment, alongside with them came inside a horrible smell of corpses. It was as if they smelled like that. I was puzzled and disappointed and sad. They were belated with an hour or so, saying that they were caught in a traffic jam. What puzzled me more is that their moves were like those of some rusty robots who needed oil or sacred ointment from a priest. My impulse was to help them, to show them my concern and love for human race whatever comes. Their fingers, adorned with veritable gold and ruby rings, with long and painted fingernails were clasped and very rigid. I touched their hands and opened their fingers and they seemed to be moved again. Another trouble is that in the same moment someone entered in my mind in Romanian with the thought: we cannot accept a country of zombies. Another one in English led me into temptation to touch their hands because I was very tired, otherwise I am not influenced by foreign thoughts. After their departure i had to open the window to refresh the air in my room and the smell went away. It is true that I forgot to check the entrance floor in front of my apartment, in order to derive correct conclusions. It is true that the neighbors above me have children that change or don’t grow older in all these 11 years since I am here. The neighbors upstairs tried to make me think that they poison me with toxic gas in the bathroom, because when I moved here another neighbor with the old woman living below me forbid me to maintain the bathroom vent closed, he opened it (although it was closed) in spite of my demands and my money paid to him, although the old woman below, his friend, has that opening closed. In the psychiatric hospital years ago i met an old patient who said that among other things she was poisoned by her neighbors with toxic gas. She was a English teacher. In the past 10 years these neighbors let flowing something that made different noises for hours late at night, at any night hour and sometimes at daytime in order to torture me with noises like gas flowing, not like water on the pipeline. They stopped only this year. Of course I cannot say for sure what that thing was. The neighbor below, who welcomed me when I bought the apartment from an Italian who had “trust” in her, told me then that she was over 70, I forgot her age back then.. This old woman asked me to sell her my own inherited place in the graveyard, which fact was somehow illegal, but I had back luck although I refused her, because my mother sold that place above my will (which was illegal too, because I was the direct heir) to a crooked lawyer and what remains for me if I die is to be buried in a common grave with my uncle and my father altogether. I forgot to tell another detail: the eyes of those women with corpse smell were fantastically bright from time to time, more exactly the young one’s eyes. By chance, the name of her child is Evelyn. The one who made me have an abdominal echography that is maybe lying about the dimensions of my “good” kidney stone was the psychiatric nurse. The medics lied many times about me, I can still remember that. I don’t remember precisely the dimension of my kidney stone, but I only vaguely remember that it was not 3.5mm as it is written and my family doctor to whom I complained for 8 years or so about different symptoms all around my abdomen and in my back and did not recommend any investigation, read it aloud in her cabinet as 1.5mm. My mother paid 100 lei (which is costly for us) and the medic gave me only the picture of the gall bladder with stones with only written things about the rest. My nurse too suffers as she says from bile ducts trouble and stays at home with perfusion from time to time, though she had her gallbladder being removed, as the echography medic recommended to me. You can see the pictures and her diagnostic below. Another fact is that my psychiatric nurse and the psychiatrist forbid me to go to a social center for psychiatric patients by refusing to sign a paper certifying that I was in their evidence and treatment and by refusing to give me a copy of my clinical observations papers from the psychiatric hospital. I explained them that i was still young and complete isolation is very painful – I have absolutely no one to talk to except for my mother. The same psychiatric nurse made me have a pension of less than 400 lei for psychiatric illness, although years ago they refused to let me work or to have a pension. Of course this legal pension is too small and can pay only the rent but not other expenses. I shall make a request in the future to have it cut off. I cannot accept this. Absolutely certain I asked for human rights since I was 13, already 33 years since 1884 and it is a certain fact that i was able to work legally but they refused me. They refused my right to have a child or family or other social rights although I never had psychiatric symptoms and spit over me horrible psychological or psychiatric inventions about my “conditions” although I was perfect and I had a perfect character and I think that I even deserved to be a student in the University, which right they too denied, only because I was poor. I was intelligent and wise an good and full of forgiveness towards people. I deserved life and they kill me. They treat me as If I were not human though I had no mistakes at all my whole life. Maybe some of you know that psychiatric illnesses are only lies, but I was very good as an individual and deserved to have a child, although i was a slave my whole life. Of course I shall commit suicide if my requests are not met, I waited 33 years, as they said, deprived of life. They continuously entered my mind in Romanian after I moved in this apartment with the idea that they have to isolate me and to destroy all the evidence and cover it up, exactly what they did.

If you wonder about me – I never had sparkling eyes, that’s for sure. But my own mother had such eyes from time to time last year and she became like this only lately.

The title of my confession is a bitter satire. And my final statement which I had proves for, is that I was really poisoned, not only by psychiatric drugs, but by other things.

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poison alway does

For so many years the headaches from my neighbors’ poison…I will tell the truth again: I did nothing wrong, my life and my character were perfect. I was continuously tortured since 1984 when I was 13. In my first years in this city, Bucharest, I was not poisoned. Since the years 2000 – poisoned exactly the way I already told. I could not finish the story of my imprisoned and tortured life and probably they won’t let me do this. After my father’s death it was worse and my mother too was worse towards me. I was always gentle and kind and I did nothing wrong and I don’t have sins. Since 2006, after moving in my own apartment, I noticed that my neighbors above let flowing some kind of gas – by the noise they do in my bathroom, a noise that isn’t water flow for certain sometimes – for hours at night or day, they have different kinds of such noises. I did not believe that it was poison just because I met once in the psychiatric hospital a woman who was imprisoned there and forced to tell the truth that she was poisoned with gas by her neighbors. But I did not question her sanity back then , I never made mistakes of any kind my whole life, like I told you. In my first years I did not believe that I was poisoned. Anyway, my smell was accommodated and I could not make the difference. I was not aloud to cover the hole towards the common bathroom “chimney”, though I asked for this and the neighbor below me, who tortures me with politics on TV, took care with another neighbor – a house painter – that my hole was left open in spite of me paying money and asking for letting it covered. Nevertheless my neighbor below has that opening closed in her apartment. I did not believe though it was a very strange noise. I went to my mother’s place where the air is ok and only in the past 2 years I recovered my smell and I observed that the air in my apartment is horrible! Indeed horrible. I could not have stayed with my mother because of her, not only because she harasses me. I repeat the air is horrible to breathe and it is for certain the cause of many nausea feelings and headaches and circulatory troubles. And peripheral neuropathy, etc. Of course I cannot blame the neighbors above for sure. Anyway in the past years they took my things and photos and tortured me with noises continuously and put dirt in my rooms and greasiness on my doors inside and false official acts in my drawers. Anyway none of them respects me and today a beggar, who apparently owns more money than me, mocked me with coarse appellation and said that I promised him 2 lei, which fact is not true. In all these years since 2006 my neighbors did not get older and their kids are not looking as if they were 16-17, but the same as in the beginning. And outdoors the neighborhood is wild each time I go out – thousands of cars and people staring and mocking me and below my apartments since March until November they come here and yell vulgar words every year, etc.

As for my suicide – forget it…months ago I realized that i won’t do this, my life was perfect, I cannot do this. My respect for goodness and beauty was immense all my life. Though you all deserted me and left me alone and totally isolated for so many years, without the slightest guilt or insanity from my part (I still can tell and I still remember everything). No one wants me and everyone pushed me to commit suicide. I am not Narcissus to commit suicide eventually and I am not Oedipus to destroy my sight (that is illusory like any other human sense) and I am not Socrates to commit ritual suicide (because that was not trial or condemnation of philosophy as a matter of fact) . I might have been all of them because others or the circumstances prearranged all of these….I was all of them but none. I deeply think that life is something very good and beautiful and necessary and my respect stayed the same through the years and whenever I was pushed to the limit I asked myself the same question — do I hurt life or existence of things by killing myself? I will not commit suicide — first of all in order to protect whatever may be connected with the link between my body and my spirit or with the dissolution of this link — if that will happen sometime because of the necessity of the whole. If I were someone else (it does not matter whom) I would not have killed a woman like I am and like I always was. Paradoxically, my too deep maternal instinct — the cause of my brightest happiness and of my deepest pain — demands me to avoid by all means committing suicide. (It is true that I disliked being poisoned — and that was true, or tortured by any means, and I disliked the stealing of my humble belongings (old or new)….but this will pass…someday).

family ties

a part of the saddest stories in my life, just between me and you, 4 photos in 2003, before my godmother dies, only 60 years old, from a severe form of dementia (that’s what I was told). I was not with my family back then, my first cousin, a policeman, was there…you can see my mother, my cousin and the 3 relatives I lost one after the other: my godmother, my godfather (liver cancer) and my father (all of a sudden). It was before I could finally understand that each time I was away they went wrong, their health was worse, even my mother depended on me somehow…I dislike the fake smile on my cousin’s face. The others too tried to maintain the appearances, for example they spilled wine or something on the tablecloth, as usual…

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and another photo below with my uncle/godfather before dying in front of the house where I was raised, with my cousin beside him…I am so sad looking in their eyes that reveal too much…
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June 18th 2016

no one listens today to these songs — I was only a teenager when I first listened to my father’s collection of songs…this song was among them. Like many others maybe I say that the sky won’t fall even if I share this song on facebook…right now my cupboard crackles. But I am not afraid, I believe that the other pieces of furniture or the walls surrounding me won’t crack. I have too many objects in my rooms, but I assure you that it was not my fault, I asked once for a simple life as a nun and I was rejected as always. The world did not allow me to have money in order to have new and simple furniture, like I dreamed once in my youth, when I was 18. Only my carpets are what I dreamed in 1989. Willy-nilly I dreamed about home decorations and then, after many years….to my surprise, they were given to people that did not dream about those, but had money. I remembered some of those and I understood what is the thing that the psychiatrists call deja-vu. All my dreams — they ate everything, but I can still remember some of the visions planted in my brain or what I really dreamed of, they were good things… Only God knows why…A few days ago it happened again to me: I opened accidentally a book at random and it really opened at some thought that I had thought 3 days before opening the book….in my youth such phenomena were even more magical….you know what I mean.