I shall tell you another story, this time in English, though I vowed to stop writing or translating into English for personal reasons. Last year, when I was very tired i was visited by my psychiatric nurse with her daughter. They seem to be very kind and good-hearted women and the young one has a little daughter. They seemed to help me and my mother and got under my mother’s skin. The little granddaughter came to my mother’s yard last summer and watered the roses herself with a garden hose. This year at my birthday, on February 16, her very young mother came to me and bought a cheap and non-edible birthday cake and I said thanks of course. But I was amazed by that young mother’s slip of the mind. The young woman paused as if thinking and said that her daughter is now one year and a half ! Now you can understand my puzzlement especially while remembering what happened last year…
As I told you, the two women came to me when I was very tired, in order to bring me psychiatric pills. The truth is that when I opened the entrance door to my apartment, alongside with them came inside a horrible smell of corpses. It was as if they smelled like that. I was puzzled and disappointed and sad. They were belated with an hour or so, saying that they were caught in a traffic jam. What puzzled me more is that their moves were like those of some rusty robots who needed oil or sacred ointment from a priest. My impulse was to help them, to show them my concern and love for human race whatever comes. Their fingers, adorned with veritable gold and ruby rings, with long and painted fingernails were clasped and very rigid. I touched their hands and opened their fingers and they seemed to be moved again. Another trouble is that in the same moment someone entered in my mind in Romanian with the thought: we cannot accept a country of zombies. Another one in English led me into temptation to touch their hands because I was very tired, otherwise I am not influenced by foreign thoughts. After their departure i had to open the window to refresh the air in my room and the smell went away. It is true that I forgot to check the entrance floor in front of my apartment, in order to derive correct conclusions. It is true that the neighbors above me have children that change or don’t grow older in all these 11 years since I am here. The neighbors upstairs tried to make me think that they poison me with toxic gas in the bathroom, because when I moved here another neighbor with the old woman living below me forbid me to maintain the bathroom vent closed, he opened it (although it was closed) in spite of my demands and my money paid to him, although the old woman below, his friend, has that opening closed. In the psychiatric hospital years ago i met an old patient who said that among other things she was poisoned by her neighbors with toxic gas. She was a English teacher. In the past 10 years these neighbors let flowing something that made different noises for hours late at night, at any night hour and sometimes at daytime in order to torture me with noises like gas flowing, not like water on the pipeline. They stopped only this year. Of course I cannot say for sure what that thing was. The neighbor below, who welcomed me when I bought the apartment from an Italian who had “trust” in her, told me then that she was over 70, I forgot her age back then.. This old woman asked me to sell her my own inherited place in the graveyard, which fact was somehow illegal, but I had back luck although I refused her, because my mother sold that place above my will (which was illegal too, because I was the direct heir) to a crooked lawyer and what remains for me if I die is to be buried in a common grave with my uncle and my father altogether. I forgot to tell another detail: the eyes of those women with corpse smell were fantastically bright from time to time, more exactly the young one’s eyes. By chance, the name of her child is Evelyn. The one who made me have an abdominal echography that is maybe lying about the dimensions of my “good” kidney stone was the psychiatric nurse. The medics lied many times about me, I can still remember that. I don’t remember precisely the dimension of my kidney stone, but I only vaguely remember that it was not 3.5mm as it is written and my family doctor to whom I complained for 8 years or so about different symptoms all around my abdomen and in my back and did not recommend any investigation, read it aloud in her cabinet as 1.5mm. My mother paid 100 lei (which is costly for us) and the medic gave me only the picture of the gall bladder with stones with only written things about the rest. My nurse too suffers as she says from bile ducts trouble and stays at home with perfusion from time to time, though she had her gallbladder being removed, as the echography medic recommended to me. You can see the pictures and her diagnostic below. Another fact is that my psychiatric nurse and the psychiatrist forbid me to go to a social center for psychiatric patients by refusing to sign a paper certifying that I was in their evidence and treatment and by refusing to give me a copy of my clinical observations papers from the psychiatric hospital. I explained them that i was still young and complete isolation is very painful – I have absolutely no one to talk to except for my mother. The same psychiatric nurse made me have a pension of less than 400 lei for psychiatric illness, although years ago they refused to let me work or to have a pension. Of course this legal pension is too small and can pay only the rent but not other expenses. I shall make a request in the future to have it cut off. I cannot accept this. Absolutely certain I asked for human rights since I was 13, already 33 years since 1884 and it is a certain fact that i was able to work legally but they refused me. They refused my right to have a child or family or other social rights although I never had psychiatric symptoms and spit over me horrible psychological or psychiatric inventions about my “conditions” although I was perfect and I had a perfect character and I think that I even deserved to be a student in the University, which right they too denied, only because I was poor. I was intelligent and wise an good and full of forgiveness towards people. I deserved life and they kill me. They treat me as If I were not human though I had no mistakes at all my whole life. Maybe some of you know that psychiatric illnesses are only lies, but I was very good as an individual and deserved to have a child, although i was a slave my whole life. Of course I shall commit suicide if my requests are not met, I waited 33 years, as they said, deprived of life. They continuously entered my mind in Romanian after I moved in this apartment with the idea that they have to isolate me and to destroy all the evidence and cover it up, exactly what they did.
If you wonder about me – I never had sparkling eyes, that’s for sure. But my own mother had such eyes from time to time last year and she became like this only lately.
The title of my confession is a bitter satire. And my final statement which I had proves for, is that I was really poisoned, not only by psychiatric drugs, but by other things.